Backseat - From Where I Sit

March 2001 By: Michelle

Helmets and the Battle of the Sexes

I was proudly trying out my brand new shiny 3/4 helmet complete with flip-face shield and our latest gizmo, a voice activated intercom system. I was feeling pretty sporty and just knew I was looking really cool with the high tech mic perched right next to my lips. In fact, I was in mid fantasy of envisioning myself as Virginia's answer to "Bat Girl" or better yet "Dark Angel", when Kent uttered 3 little words that shattered the mood completely - "You look different."

Funny how 3 little words can change the course of an afternoon. Kent realized the error of his ways mere seconds after they left his lips but it was too late. I can hear all the men collectively groan in anticipation of my response, a totally loaded question "Different? What do you mean?" I look intently into his eyes trying to read every possible meaning of this offhand remark.

"Well, um, you look comfortable now." (For those of you keeping score, he is now down two points).

"Comfortable?" I respond, voice only slightly higher in tone but smile fading fast. No matter how slow any man is in picking up signals, if he didn't get a little bit anxious after my first response, he certainly can sense the dangerous ground he is now standing on. Any questionable comment on a woman's looks, is open for complete scrutiny and the person guilty of uttering them is subject to a thorough and unmerciful interrogation - it's in the rules.

"What do you mean, comfortable?" My voice wavering slightly. Now he knows for sure he's a goner. He tries unsuccessfully to hide a small sigh. His eyes look wary and I can sense his uncertainty as his mind is searching desperately for a rapid means of retreating from this situation. His instinct for survival is kicking in but he is facing nothing but wall on all sides with no hope for escape.

His eyes light up briefly as he thinks he has finally come up with something. "Well, you don't look tough now."

"Ok," I think to myself, "Good save". One point for him - for a brief second. Then I start thinking about it. Actually, I start stewing over it, mulling its many possible implications over and over in my mind. A tough person is a young and fit and vital person, someone who makes and impression on you. Hmmm, Now I am merely "comfortable" like a shoe - not just any shoe - an old worn out shoe - an old worn out fat shoe. In fact, comfortable is as close to "fat" as you can get without actually saying it if you think about it. He is really saying this helmet makes me look fat???

By now he recognizes the murderous accusatory look in my eye, as well as my unnaturally lengthy silence. He braces himself for hurricane that he knows is about to blow as I yank off my shiny new helmet in total disgust and proclaim: "Tomorrow, we are going back to the store to see if I can find a helmet that makes me look thinner!"

The moral of the story:
Men, unless you want to comment on how totally awesome your lady looks, it's best not to comment at all. That is, unless you are asked out right, "How do I look?" Then, you are on your own. There is no known cure for that, especially if you lie. All in all, it is probably best to keep handy the phone number of the nearest florist to minimize any damage.

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