Backseat - From Where I Sit

December 2002

By: Michelle

Is He Or Isn't He?

It's been hinted at for years but never really proven. We've all seen the cute ornaments and figurines of a happy Santa perched on a bike. For years we have been fooled into thinking this is just a marketing whim. Personally, I think it is just a candid shot of the jolly old elf in his real persona. Naturally, this would have to be kept hidden from the general public due to a lot of negative stereotyping. So it gets passed off as a cute gimmick. Though, I might add, it is a great way to make a few extra bucks.

I believe the big red suit is just a ruse. Lets face it, Santa couldn't live forever with a gut like that. The cholesterol and heart disease that would have claimed his life long before now. I think the suit is that huge because underneath it he is dressed fully in leather riding gear. What a great camouflage! Think about it, if you spent the entire night in a box pulled by reindeer, wouldn't the first thing you want to do when you get home, is rev the engines and go for a ride? He's already wearing the boots. All he has to do is rip off the old red velvet (which I bet is only held on with Velcro in the first place). He could be out of there before old Rudolph's nose has quit glowing for the night.

And what about Mrs. Claus? She doesn't fool me for a minute. That serene face doesn't come from baking goodies and supervising elves all day. I recognize that contented smile and it could only come from someone who spends a lot of hours with the wind. I think the bun in her hair is just a clever way to quickly hide all those wind tangles.

The most obvious give away is the beard. I am positive that is just a way for Santa to get into the biker scene incognito. Celebrities use sunglasses to blend in. How much more blended in can you get than to sport a beard at a biker rally? Next time you are at a gathering, take a hard look around. You never know who might be in your midst. Its probably best to be nice to all, just in case he is working on that "list".

The whole motif screams of a biker - the riding in the wind, the freedom, the ability to go where you want when you want. If that's not a true bikers lifestyle, I don't know what is. I urge Santa to show his true self to the world. Stop riding that outdated sleigh. Retire the reindeer and use your iron horse.

Then again, how welcome would a biker be coming down the chimney? Instead of visions of sugar plums, it might be more of a vision of shotguns. Then there is the whole problem with engine noise. There goes that whole "silent night" idea. But I will tell you this much, those naughty little kids wouldn't be as anxious to spy and I bet they get their butts in bed by 9:00!

So I guess Santa's secret has to remain even though I know the truth. Santa, if you are reading this, don't worry. I won't tell. But I will skip the milk and cookies bit and leave you a Bud. It will just be between you and me. And, oh yeah, while you're here, how about leaving me a heated pair of chaps. I know you can relate to the whole cold backside issue.

Thanks for visiting VirginiaWind.

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