Backseat - From Where I Sit

December 2003

By: Michelle

Dear Santa…

If I were still young, which according to my birth certificate, my driver’s license and despite my best efforts with Miss Clairol, I evidently am not - I would find this time of year the perfect time to write a letter to that deliverer of all things good, St. Nick.. But with age comes a jaded mind, so instead of the innocent voice of a child requesting a nice little doll or trinket, I speak with a mid-life crises, stressed out, over worked tone of a mature woman whose tastes are more bent on revenge than reward.

It’s not that I am bitter or that I would ever try to wish ill on people. However, on those rare occasions when “my cup runneth over with humanity”, the urge to write a letter of a different sort is overwhelming. And who could blame me? Especially after a long day at work when I race to the overcrowded mall to pick up that one last Christmas gift (ok, it’s all my Christmas gifts - I haven’t even started shopping yet and it’s the last day).

Suddenly as if a miracle, I spy on empty space. I am full of praise and overcome by the holiday spirit as I make a mad dash for the coveted spot only to realize the true reason for the availability of this prime real estate is because the owner of the giant Suburban in the next parking space hasn’t yet learned to maneuver his/her vehicle properly between the two lines. However, with a little finagling I manage to squeeze into the tight space.

Unfortunately, my victory was short-lived when I realized I couldn’t open the car door. As I pondered my dilemma and to complicate matters further, in that short time someone managed to park behind me - totally blocking me in. Full of anything but joy, and apparently having no where else to go at the moment, I tried to maintain my holiday spirit by composing my letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,
This year I don’t want anything for myself. Well, actually I do, but in the spirit of helping myself by helping others, I would like to ask the following favors:

To the owner of the Suburban, who can’t seem to fit inside the lines – please reduce his/her wheels to two so that they will no longer have to be inconvenienced by trying to fit into those cramped spaces. Half the size is half the burden.

I almost immediately began to feel better. This was better than therapy. It’s true that giving is better than receiving. I continued my missive:

To the guy I was stuck next to on the train for 15 hours on the way to Chicago who drank too much and didn’t know when to shut up and go to sleep and to the woman across the aisle who was the only one who apparently couldn’t hear her child crying at 4:30 AM waking those of us lucky enough to finally fall asleep after the drunk passed out - May they always only be able to ride in their own private car with just each other for company. FOREVER!

I was on a roll now. I could hardly keep the pen on the paper as I began to think of all those who had “touched” me this past year:

And to the lady at the DMV who turned me away for the 4th time because the required verification of my identification was not sufficient and who also seems unmoved by the fact that I have given her every form of documentation besides a DNA sample (which I am sure will only be a matter of time before she requests it), I ask only that you reward her for her diligence by visiting her house and leaving nothing unless she has the proper identification – one MUST be from Column A and one MUST Column B – no exceptions. Please be sure to tell her to “have a nice day” and remind her of your hours should she like to “try again next year”. I am sure she will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I read over my letter, and started to think that maybe I was being a bit too harsh and too bitter so I decided to end on a more positive note, lest he think my feelings weren’t sincere:

I also would like you to watch over and protect all our friends and family. And, if it isn’t too much to ask for, I would like a lot of perfect riding days, especially on the weekends so we can all enjoy them. Most of all, I would like for you to send extend love and friendship to all of mankind.

Well, now I was practically glowing with good will. So I thought I should end with just one last thought….

Santa, while you are at it, there is this really gorgeous diamond necklace, with a pair of matching earrings……….

May you and your family be blessed with a wonderfully loving and peaceful holiday season!

Michelle and Kent

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