Virginia Wind - From Where I Sit March 2005

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Backseat - From Where I Sit

March 2005

It Had Better Be an Urban Legend

Winter is bad for relationships. Leaving folks cooped up too long with nothing but the television for entertainment can do strange things to the brain. Especially with shows like Jerry Springer, Montel, and all those reality shows where people don't seem to be afraid to admit all their serious character flaws. I decided not to fall prey to that type of mumbo-jumbo and turned instead to watch a show on an educational channel entitled "Urban Legends". What could do more to prevent my brain from wandering into desparate paranoia than a show built around disproving all those myths that have teenagers afraid to park in cars with their boyfriend/girlfriend at night for fear of a one-armed escaped lunatic. That's just what I needed to sooth my delicate psyche - something to verify that all is right with the world - or so I thought...

The program began with an oldie but a goodie - a man reaches his 50th birthday. His family seems not to care. He sinks into a depression until his beautiful younger secretary innocently invites him to lunch at her place. While she slips into the kitchen to make the meal, the "older man" decides to get more comfortable and removes all his clothes in anticipation of a wild afternoon. Much to his surprise when he steps back into the room in nothing but his original birthday suit, he finds the room full of friends and familiy for a surprise birthday party. I was laughing along with the whole scenario until the analyst gave her spiel at the end as to why this urban legend came to be. I am quoting, "this story appears true because when men reach mid-life crisis they tend to date younger women or get a motorcycle..." Wait - did she say date younger women OR get a motorcycle? Where's the rewind when you need it??? What constitutes younger? I am 7 years younger – is that enough? Am I protected or do I need to worry?

My day was ruined. I had just been handed an ultimatum from a stranger in my television. Either/or? Younger woman/motorcycle. It doesn't take a huge leap to figure out that if a guy already has a motorcycle (which my mid-life crisis aged husband Kent does), the only thing left for him to do is date a younger woman. About this time, Kent walks from his office upstairs through the livingroom on his way to have a smoke out to the back porch. He innocently asks me what I am doing and seems puzzled when I shoot back "It's really about what YOUR doing?" He pauses for a second and senses something is not right but he isn't sure what so he decides to make a silent and hasty retreat. I knew it. I knew it! He's hiding something from me...

The unfairness of it all starts to really sink in. How come women’s midlife boils down to hot flashes and mood swings (which by the way, I am not having either one right now) and men's midlife is all about younger women and motorcycles? Men want us to wear sexy nightgowns to be sexy. We middle-aged girls wear them to be comfortable during night sweats. Could this be the reason that men want younger women? "Oh, why is nature so cruel?!?" I lament.

Having finished his smoke break, Kent comes back in and says, "Looks like more snow is heading this way." He still senses something isn't quite right with my attitude and decides to lighten the mood with a little joke: "Maybe we better get over to the grocery store and get in line with all the rest of the folks getting milk and toilet paper." I don't laugh. I know what he's secretly up to. He wants to get in line and see that young grocery checker - the one who is always smiling and asking how we are doing. Even though she asks how "we" are doing, how come she's always looking at Kent? Until now, I hadn't given it a second thought. It took a TV program to show me how blind I was. How stupid could I be?

For a brief moment I panicked. Then I decided to play his little game and said, "That's ok honey, why don't you relax. I will go and get the groceries." For some reason he doesn't look disappointed. In fact, he looks relieved. He is just too happy with himself. I am starting to sense a plot here. I think I have been played for a fool. I get it now! He designed this whole thing just so he wouldn't have to go to the store. He plops down on the floor in front of the TV and looks up at me smiling. No, it looks more like a smirk. I am sure it’s a smirk. Then he has the nerve to say "Hey thanks for going to the store. That's really sweet of you".

"That's it!" You win!" I snap. "I guess you got what you wanted all along." I snatched the car keys off the table and headed for the door. He just stared at me as if he didn't know what I was talking about...men! I thought I heard him muttering something about hoping for sunshine soon so we could get out of the house before we BOTH go insane. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

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