Backseat - From Where I Sit

June 2005

By: Michelle

Life’s Big Instruction Book

It has been said that life doesn’t come with a set of instructions. However, lately I have noticed that just about everything else does. With the constant barrage of messages telling us what to do and what not to do, its no small wonder that we are all stressed out. I think it all started with the obvious “Warning, contents are hot” printed on all the carryout coffee cups. From there it seemed that the movement to make us afraid of the obvious was unstoppable.

Suddenly, warnings appeared on everything – even toilet paper! Well, at least a warning about the dangers of suffocation if you wrap the plastic bag holding the toilet paper over your head. I am not sure about you but I have never been overtaken by the urge to adorn my face with a toilet paper bag but I guess somebody somewhere must have thought it was a good idea. Now we all have to pay for it by being terrified in our very own bathrooms.

Even hairspray can become deadly when used improperly! After all it is “flammable and should be kept out of reach of children.” I have to remember to avoid fire and people who smoke while using it. I must wait until my hair is thoroughly dry or I could burst into flames. Above all else I must “Use only as directed” though I am not quite sure of any other options for its use. It’s enough to make me wonder whether its worth the risk of having to spend hours detangling my hair after a bike ride vs. the risk of a flaming coiffure.

There are some situations in which warnings are appropriate, such as the chainsaw that we just purchased. However, even this can go overboard as we soon found out. Not only are there warnings on the box, the instruction sheet and the chainsaw itself. There is an entire booklet of warnings. Just in case you are tempted not to read this book of terror and doom, there is a warning of the dangers of not reading the warning book prominently displayed on every available surface. Needless to say, we spent the entire day learning how to keep all our body parts intact while using the deadly weapon. All night long I dreamed of the horrors of an improperly oiled chainsaw. I wonder if the guys in the horror movies bothered to read the instructions before use.

It’s not even safe to eat any more. My box of Almond Pilaf threatens: “This product is produced in a facility that also produces almond and wheat containing products.” Hmmmm Almond flavored rice produced where there are almonds. I would have never figured that one out by myself. Before now my only concern was whether or not the employees washed their hands before coming to work. Oh how I miss the days that the only warning on my food label was: “Package is sold by weight not volume, contents may settle during shipping and handling.”

Instead of scaring us out of our wits, how about offering something helpful and constructive, especially in the world of motorcycling where we already know of all the dangers of riding without a helmet, rounding curves too quickly, etc. I am referring to useful warnings such as: “Warning – The bigger the bug strike the further you are from water” or “Caution – The more distant you are from your destination, the nastier the bathroom you will be forced to use” or the long overdue, “Warning – Despite the fact that they ride up your backside, chaps are for external use only.” At least these bits of advice have merit and could potentially save one from disaster.

Between worrying about suffocating on my toilet paper bag, my hair bursting into flames, the fact that my almond pilaf may have traces of almonds inside, I think I need to go for a ride. Somehow it seems a whole lot less dangerous as long as I remember that “objects in mirror are closer than they appear” and “keep my hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.”

Despite the fact that it’s not yet on the label - Ride safely.

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