How To Get Lost And Still Be Friends
A Survivors Guide
By default as a back seat passenger on the bike, I automatically have the role of navigator. I would like to note that I take this responsibility very seriously. But, from time to time things happen - like the wind snatching the map from your hands as you are riding down the road. As I see it, nature has presented us with the opportunity for an adventure. However, experience has proven to me that the driver doesn’t always readily share this opinion. So, in order to keep your relationship intact, I would like to offer the following “Do’s and Don’ts” should this unfortunate turn of events happen to you.
First and foremost, don’t tell him to exit AFTER you have ridden past it. Nothing can bring on a foul mood worse than the words “We should have turned back there.” Followed by a sign reading “Next Exit 75 Miles.” When you are the navigator it is important not to get distracted by checking out what other drivers are wearing, trying to identify road kill, adjusting your helmet straps or just zoning out. As a rule of thumb, when you are within 5 miles of your exit, it is time to stop thinking about what color to paint the bedroom walls and begin watching the road signs.
If you do miss your exit, remain calm. However, no matter how much of an optimist you are, don’t make the mistake of assuming this extra time can be used for bonding. He really isn’t interested in the idea that this is “…just like the time we got lost in 1997.” Make no mistake about it, this is definitely not the moment to say “Some day we will laugh at this.” Unless you want to nurse hurt feelings, please do not utter the words, “I appreciate your negativity.” Regardless of what the psychologists tell you, this phrase does not have the power to help you in this situation.
Furthermore, refrain from pointing out all the things you would have missed if you hadn’t got lost. He’s not buying it. In situations like this, silence is best. The only exception would be if you were driving past a convenience store in which you could offer to stop by and pick up a nice cold beer to celebrate when you finally reach your destination.
Contrary to popular belief, the most important “Don’t” of all is to never offer reassurance. If you are truly lost and he asks you if you think he is going the right way – don’t fall for it. It’s a trap. When you are the driver, the official unwritten law states that you are to blame if you get lost. Do NOT tamper with this law of nature. If you nod your head or move in any way, agreement is assumed. Pretend you are at an auction and don’t move a muscle. I promise you won’t regret it. For an extra measure of protection, you may want to practice your “deer in the headlight look” in advance.
With proper training, a little practice and a lot of sympathetic (yet totally non-verbal and non-committal) communication, your relationship can truly withstand another of life’s little detours. But as a final word of advice: Unless you are prepared for the consequences, don’t tell him that you are glad you got lost because now you have a topic to write about. I am still trying to figure out how to fix that one.
